Have I mentioned I'm not particularly great at keeping green things green? Gardening is a bad metaphor.
This week I gave myself the option of writing or not writing, editing or not editing. Laying in bed catching up on bad t.v. and afternoon naps instead of deadlines and writer's block. Staying up late watching Conan because I can or going to bed obscenely early because there's no word count left. My break should be refreshing. My synapses should be snoozing so they can return ready to fire more quickly and easily. But no.... That's not what's happening.
Instead, my stomach is churning with each day that passes in which no forward progress has been made on my dream. I don't like being in limbo. I don't want to rush this thing, but I hate being suspended in this void.
I'm reading to distract myself, to refuel my creativity and see how others more successful than myself spin a tale. Apparently it's not working, because instead of losing myself in these books, I push my way through each one. My brain is persistant, nudging me every few pages. "Pssst! Hey! If she can do this, so can you!"
My husband is not helping. "Finish that book yet?" Every. Single. Time. He. Walks. In. The. Door. I love him, I do. But sometimes, I loathe him.
Mommy Dearest isn't helping, either. When I described to her why I was overwhelmed about editing my first book (a.k.a. "The Book Written Entirely In Passive Voice"), she shocked me by telling me I was probably over-analyzing my book. A few minor changes,she said, and I would think it's ready to go! She's my mama. It's written into her job description to believe I can do no wrong--except for that typo on page 35 and the other one on page 110--but it's still strange to have her on more of an accelerated timeframe than myself. I probably owe her money.
It's all about patience. When God handed out patience, I think I was in the back of the line, and by the time I reached the front, there were only crumbs left in the bag. "Here." I imagine God said as he dropped the specks of patience in my palm. "Good luck with that. And, remember, 'thou shalt not kill'." Then He walked away bent over in hysterical laughter. To make it even more hilarious, He pumped my veins full of the blood of Irish, Scottish, and German ancestors. Well-played, God. Welllllll-played.
On top of it all, the crazy (and not-so-crazy) thought occurred to me to write the third installment first just to see if I could and the stars aligned. And by "stars aligned", I mean "does any of this make a lick of sense?" If I chose to write more now, I would need to find another place to live because I am pretty sure that would be the end of my marriage, right there. My husband's already convinced these books will never see the light of day past my computer screen and I'm just pretending to write.
So, yeah. There's a lot of pressure. From books that aren't but very well could be my own... From my well-meaning (but adolescent) husband... From my usually well-planned but impetuous mother. But mostly, and most deeply, from my own self.
I'm not letting anyone talk me into putting anything out there before it's really and truly time, but I sure hope this feeling of suffocation decides to leave me soon.