Once again, the holidays are upon us, kinda like those pesky 15 pounds that show up right around Thanksgiving and stick around until, well, next Thanksgiving.
This year, I thought I'd help my friends out with this short and sweet (kinda) list of holiday gifts you might want to think twice about sticking under the tree. Continue reading, if you dare...
1. Fruitcake.
Legitimate question: Does anyone actually eat fruitcake? I see that hand over there. You, good sir, are lying!
These leaden loaves of questionable origin would make a more suitable building material than festive snack. I've seen mountain ranges less dense than a fruitcake. I'm told there's rum and butter in them there bricks of mystery, but I still value my pearly whites, so I have yet to be swayed to the dark side. If you, however, wish to fortify the entrance to your small intestine with this not-quite-bread-not-quite-concrete substance, then don't come crying to me. You have been warned.
This year, I thought I'd help my friends out with this short and sweet (kinda) list of holiday gifts you might want to think twice about sticking under the tree. Continue reading, if you dare...
1. Fruitcake.
Legitimate question: Does anyone actually eat fruitcake? I see that hand over there. You, good sir, are lying!
These leaden loaves of questionable origin would make a more suitable building material than festive snack. I've seen mountain ranges less dense than a fruitcake. I'm told there's rum and butter in them there bricks of mystery, but I still value my pearly whites, so I have yet to be swayed to the dark side. If you, however, wish to fortify the entrance to your small intestine with this not-quite-bread-not-quite-concrete substance, then don't come crying to me. You have been warned.
2. Underwear.
I'm looking at YOU, Mom.
I don't care if someone's underwear is holier than a piece of Swiss cheese at a mouse convention, underwear is never an appropriate choice. Never.
Nu-uh. Not even then. I said NEVER. Nevereverever.
P.S. This also applies to socks. Unless we're talking about these.
3. Fitness Equipment or Weight Loss Aids.
Danger, Will Robinson! Unless the giftee is Jillian flipping Michaels, this is most likely a bad idea. Nothing says, hey, lay off the fruitcake or you're not going to fit in your new underwear like a Shake Weight or a Low-Carb cookbook. Your mileage may vary with this one, and you might really be Jillian flipping Michaels, I don't know. And if you are, I promise I'm not phoning this one in... if I could figure out what that even means.
I'm looking at YOU, Mom.
I don't care if someone's underwear is holier than a piece of Swiss cheese at a mouse convention, underwear is never an appropriate choice. Never.
Nu-uh. Not even then. I said NEVER. Nevereverever.
P.S. This also applies to socks. Unless we're talking about these.
3. Fitness Equipment or Weight Loss Aids.
Danger, Will Robinson! Unless the giftee is Jillian flipping Michaels, this is most likely a bad idea. Nothing says, hey, lay off the fruitcake or you're not going to fit in your new underwear like a Shake Weight or a Low-Carb cookbook. Your mileage may vary with this one, and you might really be Jillian flipping Michaels, I don't know. And if you are, I promise I'm not phoning this one in... if I could figure out what that even means.
4. Infomercial Crap
It pains me to say this because I have a not-so-secret infomercial addiction, but... No one wants to grate the scales off their feet for Christmas. We don't want to use those weird straps to move your china cabinet down five flights of stairs, either, Aunt Mabel. And spray-paint hair is actually just furry spray paint (plus, who wants to be reminded of their glorious combover?). With your gift-giving reputation on the line, it's probably best to keep those 3 a.m. treasures to yourself.
Please note: This does not apply to this piece of awesome innovation. This bad boy transcends all other gifts, and I'm gladly accepting donations in the form of Ostrich Pillows.
And, rounding off our countdown is...
5. Books.
Before you get all huffy with me, I'm not suggesting that books are bad gifts, only that you need to give them to others with care. Reading a good book is like tossing a match into a puddle of fuel. It ignites and spreads; where the blaze ends, no one can tell for sure. Maybe your gift will ignite a future writer, a future lover of words, or a lifelong learner.
Who knows, maybe your gift will set the entire world on fire.
It pains me to say this because I have a not-so-secret infomercial addiction, but... No one wants to grate the scales off their feet for Christmas. We don't want to use those weird straps to move your china cabinet down five flights of stairs, either, Aunt Mabel. And spray-paint hair is actually just furry spray paint (plus, who wants to be reminded of their glorious combover?). With your gift-giving reputation on the line, it's probably best to keep those 3 a.m. treasures to yourself.
Please note: This does not apply to this piece of awesome innovation. This bad boy transcends all other gifts, and I'm gladly accepting donations in the form of Ostrich Pillows.
And, rounding off our countdown is...
5. Books.
Before you get all huffy with me, I'm not suggesting that books are bad gifts, only that you need to give them to others with care. Reading a good book is like tossing a match into a puddle of fuel. It ignites and spreads; where the blaze ends, no one can tell for sure. Maybe your gift will ignite a future writer, a future lover of words, or a lifelong learner.
Who knows, maybe your gift will set the entire world on fire.
If you are looking for suggestions as to fantastic reads for your loved ones this holiday season, take a peek at my books, visit Goodreads or other social networking sites made especially for book lovers, or just ask around. Odds are, you know someone who has read something worth sharing lately.
So, readers, weigh in in the Comments section below: What are the best and worst holiday gifts you've ever received?
So, readers, weigh in in the Comments section below: What are the best and worst holiday gifts you've ever received?
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