...and poor question four! Ouch!
William Bradshaw, King of the Goblins
That's the good news. The bad news is Will Bradshaw has problems. He's new on the job but he's already made enemies with a fire breathing dragon. His friends are not much better: goblins whose favorite pastime is messing things up, trolls with anger management issues, an over-achieving fire scepter, and an uncooperative magic mirror.
Aside from that, all he has to worry about is a war. And that's the trouble. Throughout recorded history the goblins have never won a battle, let alone a war. But things are going to be different this time. William Bradshaw is determined to win, using every means at his disposal, including stealth, subterfuge and exploding outhouses.
“Are you sure you’re doing this right?” Will asked timidly.
“Don’t know, I’ve never done this before,” Twain replied. “Question number one, have you ever committed a felony or serious crime?”
Leaning forward, Twain asked, “Have you thought about committing a felony?”
“Does that count?”
“It does in Canada. Question two, have you ever thought about defrauding your employer of all of his money, fleeing the country and spending the rest of your life living in luxury in Jamaica?”
“Hmm, wouldn’t last a day working here,” Twain said bluntly as he scribbled something down on a sheet of paper. “Question three, have you ever eaten an entire block of cheese in one meal?”
“No,” Will said. “What does this have to do with a job as a manager?”
“Excuse me, but I’m the one with the list of questions,” Twain said peevishly. “Question five—”
Confused, Will asked, “What happened to question four?”
Exasperated and more than a bit confused, Will said, “I don’t know. What sort of a question is that?”
“Apparently a good one.”
Will didn’t think the interview was going well at all. Twain wasn’t making any sense, and when he did he was abusive. Will figured Twain was nuts, or drunk, or he used to teach gym class in high school.
The questions kept coming. “Question six, were you born under the astrological sign Pisces, Virgo, Sagittarius, tiger, dragon, ox, banana slug, tree sloth or Ford Pinto?”
Will opened his mouth, then paused to collect his thoughts. “Wait, some of those are western zodiac, some are eastern zodiac and the rest don’t make sense.”
“Very little in life does make sense, Mr. Bradshaw, and then only because it’s lying. Question seven, how many people have you eaten?”
“What? Wait just a minute!”
“I’d love to, but I have a pressing appointment later today. Come on, how many?”
Will stood up and folded his arms across his chest. “I haven’t eaten anybody! What kind of a question is that?”
Twain gave him an exasperated look. “Mr. Bradshaw, I’m sure someone told you it’s perfectly all right to lie during an interview, but it’s simply not true. You are most certainly a cannibal. It’s written all over your face.”
“I am not!”
“Fine, if you’re going to play games with me I’m going to have to make an educated guess. I’m putting down five.”
“Give me that!” Will said as he tried to snatch the paper from Twain. Twain slapped his hand away.
“No!” Twain shouted. He grabbed a rolled-up newspaper off his desk and swatted Will with it again and again. “Bad applicant! Bad! Bad!”
“Question eight!” Twain shouted as he climbed up onto the table and leaned forward into Will’s face. Will stumbled back into his chair. “Have you ever found yourself in an abandoned warehouse in Sydney, Australia, only two bullets left in your gun and no less than three rabid mountain gorillas armed with wiffle bats coming right at you!”
“Thank God for that,” Twain said and got back into his seat. “Happened to me once and I barely made it out alive. All right then, I think you’ll do just fine.”